Learning to Appreciate the Gift of Singleness

"I had kissed too many frogs, telling my story too many times over way too many coffee dates, yet still not finding 'the one,' I figured I had the gift of singleness."

- Bonnie Gray, Whispers of Rest

The gift of singleness.

It sounded pathetic when I first I heard it. It felt like when your married friend says, "Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be." You don't believe them because it feels like a billionaire who has financial security and no student debt saying that their billions in the bank "isn't all that it's cracked up to be."

The cynic in me wanted to believe that singleness meant that I was lonely, a failure, and unworthy of love. Especially after so many guys had come and gone throughout the years. I would ask myself things like,

Why am I single?

Why are were my friends able to find love, and I was not?

Is there a sign on my forehead that says, "Dateable, but only to the uncommitted?"

It wasn't until my longest relationship ended that it all made it sense. Why singleness could be called "gift" from the heavens above, or something like that.

***

We sat in a cafe, eating chips and dip, nixing the coffee because it was 8 pm at night.

"How are you doing?" my friend asked. "Have you heard from him?"

She was referring to my ex, and no, I hadn't heard from him after two weeks of breaking up with him. I didn't expect to hear anything. I didn't even know what exes said to one another other after a break up.

"Give me my hoodie back!"

"I get the cat."

"I want my ticket to that concert!"

I didn't know. I just knew it was the right decision for the both us, and so it was a mutual break up. He was 300 miles away, and I wasn't going to be the first to send out a "How are you doing?" text after I pulled the plug.

"You know, I think I'll like being single," I told her. "I don't have to be committed to someone's schedule; I can do what I want."

I don't know if Vicky believed me when I first said it out loud. She knew me too well to know that singleness was never my forte.

"Seriously! I want to be single. I want to enjoy this time in my life. I'm excited! I can do things I want to do. Maybe I'll travel. Maybe I'll focus on writing again. Maybe I won't ever have to worry if my boyfriend in another state is not going to reply to a text of mine!"

We laughed. This was coming from me, who cried over FaceTime to her one night when all of my friends were getting married, and I was being made a bridesmaid for each of their weddings.

"Regan, I'm proud of you. I think you've grown so much."

I felt the cheesiness of Vicky's words butter me up; I knew I had come a long way.

Before my last relationship, I had spent all of my single years feeling like I was missing out on something spectacular about life, or a once in a lifetime opportunity in my twenties by not having a relationship. I came to find that with that mentality, I was losing precious time experiencing the joy of singleness while it lasted.

That was why after my third break up in three years, I decided I needed to take full advantage of this time in my life and use it to celebrate singleness.

***

I told my mom last week I was going to Nashville with my friend Sue.

"It's like using the money I would have used to see [insert ex's name] in another state. I think that's fair, right? I have no commitments to be anywhere anymore!"

"Oh that's great, honey!" she said. "Who's Sue, though?"

My mom never remembered my friend's names, but she remembered my ex's name, and how many times I went to see him in another state. I put so much time, money, and effort into our relationship; I put aside travel plans, writing dreams, and personal goals to invest in it. It wasn't the smartest thing I did considering I still have so much I want to achieve professionally and personally, but for what I learned from that relationship, I wouldn't take it back. It only pushed me further into understanding how singleness could be a good thing after all.

If it wasn't the trips I wanted to take, it was the writing goals I had. If it wasn't the writing goals I had, it was personal goal of putting my phone down and enjoying the day without it. No more "good morning" texts or calls to catch up with a romantic partner. I was free to lose track of my phone and forget which desk I placed it on at work until I realized it wasn't in my back pocket (that has happened several times now).

Maybe the ultimate gift of singleness was being able to stay true to myself and appreciate the relationships I already had in my life.

I could nurture friendships, take on new duties at work and church, and visit my family any night of the week. Whenever I was in a relationship, I found it hard to find a good balance between family, friends, and the relationship. I often had to give up investing in friendships that otherwise could have flourished more if I hadn't been in a relationship.

All of this is not to say relationships are bad or that I want to be single forever. In fact, it's the opposite. In my early twenties, I assumed something was wrong with me because I wasn't dating. In my mid-twenties, I assumed something was wrong with me because all of my relationships were failing.

But now, I'm reclaiming my old self from believing singleness is all about table for one, alone on a Friday night, petting my cat, waiting for Prince Charming to arrive, and having to be in a limbo of waiting to be happy.

Out of all the frogs that I had kissed, I had to realized none were right for me, and that was okay. I wasn't right for them either.

There was a gift to be found in being single this whole time, and I somehow missed it for most of my twenties. Today, I stand strongly with the idea that singleness is a gift and something to be valued.

If you're waiting for your Prince Charming, just wait a little while longer, and enjoy this season in life. Take that trip. Write that story. Do the extra hustle at work. Singleness truly is something to behold, especially when you have the power to make your life story the way you want to make it.

[Photo by Julie Bloom.]

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The End of An Era: Saying Goodbye to Windrose

Hi friends,

Announcement (sounds so formal, doesn’t it?):

It's the end of an era.

I’ve decided that, after nearly 8 years of telling stories of navigating life, this season of Windrose is drawing to a close.

Even Here: Words for When You're Wandering

When I was 22 years old, I visited the desert for the first time.

A metaphorical desert, if we’re getting technical.

I was fresh out of college, starry-eyed and eager to begin my post-grad life. I had big ‘ole me-centered dreams: a shiny, brag-worthy PR job in the music industry! An apartment with an exposed brick wall that (somehow) would fit an upright piano! A committed relationship with a kind, goofy man!

I got exactly none of those things.

To summarize an entire year’s worth of emotion: I was devastated.

When Life Feels Small

I hit a car in a parking garage once.

Nothing bad, really, just a ding in the door from a turn cut just a little too tight.

Truthfully, my car suffered the brunt of the bunt. But the other car was a nice one. I don’t remember the make or model—I’m not really a car person—but I do remember it was a convertible. Someone dropped a lotta dollars on this depreciating piece of metal, and I had just chipped paint off the gleaming door. Big yikes.

All because I was in a rush to get to my doctor’s appointment.

Practicing (and Failing at) Grace on the Road

Last week, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate.

I was in a line of cars needing to merge into the bedlam of backed-up vehicles. We had an organized system in place, me and the cars in front of me: a car merged, then the car behind that car merged, and so on. I made my way into a gap between two 18-wheelers, neatly following the rules like the good girl I am.

But then—l'horreur!—what did the cars behind me do? Speed down the on-ramp in an effort to get ahead by usurping the follow-the-leader system of merging we had all tacitly agreed upon.

Teacher, they’re cutting!

I was… not happy.

Anne Lamott writes, “Sometimes the movement of grace looks like letting other people go first.”

That’s nice.

Here’s what I did instead.

Looking on the Bright Side: On Feeling Stagnant in a Global Pandemic

Now each day blends into the next. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it’s September already. What have I accomplished?

My bed has a me-shaped impression in it from sitting in it so much. I spend my days seeing how many episodes of Love Island I can bear to watch in 24 hours. Work is hard to concentrate on when there isn’t a separation between me time and work time, since me time and work time both take place in the same room.

My heart aches for normalcy, for my friends, my family, for change, for growth. The pandemic has made me feel so… stagnant.

You Are Worth It: A Journey to Discovering Your Voice & Worth

In November of 2019, two weeks before my wedding, I called it off.

It was the hardest conversation I have ever had, and it created a domino effect of more difficult conversations with practically everyone in my inner circle. And those conversations created a ripple effect of embarrassing moments with acquaintances and co-workers.

The most difficult part of all of it was that no one saw it coming. Not even me.

Developing Community: Moving Towards a Space of Vulnerability, Intentionality, and Diversity

My parents moved me in and helped me explore this new city for a few days, but eventually this new place had to become my own. I tried out the coffeeshops (which didn’t compare to the ones back home) and became acquainted with people at my seminary. I found interest in what I was learning and “plugged in” wherever I could.

Quickly, however, I began to realize a need in myself for deeper community. I longed to be around people with similar mindsets. Mindsets that didn’t just recognize but acted on vulnerability, intentionality, and diversity. These types of mindsets had been prevalent in the community I was around at my undergrad, so I was puzzled as to why I was overlooking them here.

No Man Is An Island: An Ode to Our Neediness

The last few years of my life—so basically my Full Grown Adult Years—have been a reinforced lesson in this one simple yet slightly-jarring fact: we need each other. I mean, need-NEED each other.

“No man is an island,” says Thomas Merton, and my bae C.S. Lewis backs this up further by writing, “We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”

We’re meant to be needy, but why is it so hard to acknowledge and accept this?

Say What You Need

Now maybe it wasn’t your family or your upbringing that made you neglect voicing your needs. Maybe it was a toxic relationship or a difficult work environment. Maybe it was someone who told you that your needs were selfish or that the desires of your heart didn’t matter.

Whatever it was, I urge you to identify those people or experiences or situations and start using that knowledge to change.

New Things, Better Things (A Reprise): Words for When You're Stuck in the Past

But while I’ve tried to convince myself that I am looking forward, staring straight at the wide open interstate ahead, I spent so many months still sneaking peeks into the rearview mirror every few seconds, not quite accepting that the road behind me is, in fact, behind me.

But this story isn’t the whole of my story, only a minor plotline amongst the greater. Even so, ignoring it won’t erase it like the stroke of the delete key. It may be a minor plotline, but it is a plotline woven tight around the greater story of my life for several years now.

I can’t ignore it.

A Beginner's Guide to the Enneagram

Maybe you, like me, have become curious about the Enneagram because it is popping up everywhere in conversations and on your social media timeline. Maybe you know everything there is to know and have become quite fluent in Ennea-lingo (you even know that there are sub-types!).

Maybe this is the first time you’re ever hearing about this weird test and you’ve spent the last four paragraphs trying to figure out how to even pronounce the word “Enneagram” (In-ee-a-gram, for the record).

No matter where you’re at, we can all use some guidelines when it comes to personality tests, because none of us are immune to over-identifying, self-shaming, and becoming a walking personality-test-fulfilling prophesy. So, without further ado, here are my dos and don’ts of Enneagram-ing.

The Battle to Overcome Your Rejection

Rejection is an issue I’ve had to wrestle hard with over the last three years. Every time Rejection and I had to face off in the boxing arena, I would always end up slammed and pinned down. In boxing, you have ten seconds to get yourself up before the game is over. For me, it took months before I could even peel my head off the floor.

RelationshipsRegan CunninghamJanuary 7, 2018FeaturedComment