I have social anxiety. It creates a fear in me that is paralyzing, and I let it control me. My whole life is littered with instances where I clammed up, didn’t speak up, didn’t show up, and didn’t step up. There is a constant war in my brain, of what I want to do versus what I will let myself do.
Read MoreI had never really made a “Plan B” for my athletic life and activities. I didn’t look for places to live because of the nearby sports clubs or the number of parks within walking distance, nor was that the consideration I had in mind now. While recreational sports are fun, I myself wasn’t ready to make a real commitment like that, even on an infrequent basis. Not only did I have to consider the time I would need to devote to the workouts, practices, and team-building activities, there was also my own physical health to consider. After years of traveling in cramped seats, repeated tackles, injuries, and strains, my body just wasn’t up to the demands I know I would want to impose, not to mention the fact that my getting injured and possibly needing time away from work to recover would be a real work obstacle for myself and my team, posing a real threat to my career success.
Read MoreI’m a naturally anxious person, particularly skilled at the sport of Imagining All Worst Case Scenarios—gold medal level skills, I’d argue.“My mind is my main problem almost all of the time. I wish I could leave it in the fridge when I go out, but it likes to come with me,” the writing goddess Ann Lamott wrote. I only just recently figured out that this worry pulsating through my body since I was but a sweet child (disclaimer: this is a lie, I was not a sweet child) is what one might call Anxiety. This means I’ve had my share of panic attacks over the years—those breathless moments of feeling claustrophobic inside your own body—though I had no idea that those were actually called panic attacks until maybe a couple years ago.
Read MoreRefusing to quit has undoubtedly served me well in my 24-years. It is the reason I can sing now even though I was described as a tone-deaf child. It is responsible for the 60 pounds I have lost and kept off in the last three years. It has been the backbone of healing and strength and the two Whole 30s I have completed, but it has also been harmful. I become faithful to a fault, unable to walk away from things, like a sport I am not good at, because I have something to prove. Because I think it makes me weak to leave something instead of toughing it out.
Read More“I want you guys to go, I’m just going to take a breather and hang out on my own for a bit,” I say. It’s the truth—when I feel myself getting into one of these moods all I want to do is be alone, not tear anyone down with me. But even in knowing that, I can’t pretend this isn’t a version of myself I don’t get along with. I spiral myself further down the rabbit hole, feeling awful for letting my friends down, berating myself for not being fun for them.
Read MoreI have a small poodle named Bella. She is scared of most things, and I do mean most things—the wrinkle of a grocery bag, the sound of her collar tag clanging against her food bowl, men—all these and more send her into a fit of shivers. Though the clinking of dishware doesn’t send me into fight-or-flight mode, I can relate to this pup saturated like a soggy sponge with fear and anxiety.
Read MoreSince graduating in May, I’ve felt tossed around more than a few times. I know what it is to let circumstances dictate the kind of friend I’ll be and the kind of day I’ll have. Things that feel urgent constantly rise up and demand my attention, from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. For the past few months, nearly every day has looked different, and I hid behind my jobs to excuse myself from the hard work of discipline.
Read MoreI turned 24 on Tuesday.
My first instinct was to look at the people around me. The ones posting on social media.
They’d written books, were writing articles for magazines I still only dream will send me an acceptance letter one day. They’d started podcasts. Spent two years living in Asia. Found the loves of their lives. Wore diamond rings on the fourth finger of their left hands. Spoke at the United Nations. Worked in refugee camps around the world.
Read MoreIt feels like I haven’t taken a breath since February. Five months since a job hunt began, since stress took over, since I spent every hour of every day trying to figure out where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do, trying and failing, and failing, and failing to make things work. To get hired. To try the freelance lifestyle. To cook meals with nutrients instead of trans fat and to get my body moving. To finish a passion project while my time was unrestricted.
I failed at so many things, and from the outside it looked like I was barely moving. But it felt like I’d never worked harder in my life.
Read MoreBut I think it helps me to go through the events of the last couple of months and remind myself that it was a lot, that it was busy and stressful and took a toll emotionally as well as physically. To remind myself that it’s okay to be tired, even after two weeks of doing very little. To remind myself that there’s a process of recovery to take place now, after four years of studying are over and my identity is shifting away from "student" and into something new.
Read More“I am so anxious.”
Every May, thousands of graduates adopt this mantra as their go-to response to the incessant question pf “so, how are you?” As someone with a close familiarity with anxiety, I am hyper-aware of its sudden increase in use in daily conversations. This is the phrase I hear countless friends use, and very aptly so. We are anxious in every connotation of the word: we are excited, nervous, shaky, unsure, ready to get it over with, and ready to begin. We are all caught in the uncomfortable company of this ambiguous agitation, some struggling to get past it and others simply living in it for all it’s worth.
Read MoreBut how do I bring this simple home with me, pack it away in my carry-on and roll right through customs with? How do I bring simple home to jobs and bills and relationships and a mind that is ready to pick up its worry torch and begin its hurried dash once more?
Read MoreI have craved attention from dating apps and from boys I meet in bars. I have craved attention from social media followers on a picture I like of myself. If it didn’t get enough attention I didn’t like the photo anymore. I have craved the attention of employers reading my resume and of readers of my blog.
Read MoreGrowing up, I was terrified of codependency. I never wanted to rely on anyone for anything. I didn’t want to look to someone else to give me self-worth, and I never wanted to let another being have the power to dictate my happiness. I wanted to be able to take care of myself. Perhaps this is something I was born with, or maybe I picked it up somewhere along the way.
Read MoreDespite the fact that I am oddly aware of all of this, I love making plans. The idea of a full social calendar has always been appealing. I'm the quintessential "extroverted-introvert" who lives for the opportunity to be a party girl, yet craves serious alone time. By Monday, I have plans for a mid -week dinner and by then, Friday night plans are brewing. Meanwhile, all the while, I’m thinking, “Shit, I just want to do nothing in peace, yet have an ongoing conversation via text with my best friend.” All of this mental anguish is because I said “yes.”
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