Why It's Okay to Take A Break from Dating in Your Twenties

Sometimes society seems to equate making the most of our young adult years with meeting new dating partners – but there’s also a lot to be said for getting to know ourselves better through the non-romantic relationships we already have. Think about it: how much time do you spend on dating apps or at parties where you’re hoping that the night will end with a new, promising number in your phone? Always the hopeless romantic, I used to think, “Today could be the day my fairytale begins.” But who says that the fairytale can only begin once you’ve met your special someone?

Admittedly, I used to be somewhat of a serial monogamist, going from one committed relationship to the next, with only a short amount of time in between. While relationships made me feel like part of a unit, something bigger than myself that grounded me in this world, I realized that I needed to take a step back. Growing up, I watched/read many movies and teen magazines that encouraged their audiences to give every guy a chance because hey, ya never know if they could wind up being Mr. Right. That kind of message both delighted me and frightened me. Never wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, I found myself not wanting to turn anyone down. I was always flattered when a guy was interested in me, so I tried to make things work, even if they weren’t meant to work.

I learned the (very) hard way that having standards is actually an act of necessity rather than cruelty. I often found myself fighting the same fights with these guys because of what I felt many of them had in common: too thoughtless, too narrow-minded, too angry all the time. Now, as I have been embarking on this dating hiatus, I’ve thought a lot about what I am looking for in my next (and ideally last! #HopelessRomantic, remember?) relationship. Basically, I would like to meet a golden retriever in male human form, someone who is extremely loyal, cuddly, always excited about food, outwardly loving, likes being in nature, and isn’t afraid to act silly sometimes. I haven’t yet heard of a book-loving intellectual golden retriever, however, that also enjoys writing the occasional love letter, but preferably one of those, yes…

If you’ve also been considering taking a break from the dating scene, here is your sign to go for it! During this time away, I’ve discovered that there are so many other areas of our lives in which love can also be found. Making healthy changes in these areas will positively impact our lives so much, that they will undoubtedly prepare us to become better partners when we do finally decide to get back out there and venture into the world of dating once again. We can use this time to do the following:

Improve relationships with friends.

Unlike major compatibility issues in romantic relationships, friendships can sometimes end over incredibly petty reasons. Maybe one of you would always accidentally sleep through lunch dates in college, or one of you adored partying on weekend nights while the other always demanded board games and pizza instead. Over time, we can look back and reflect on what went wrong: sometimes, all it would have taken was a simple tweak of your mindset to acknowledge that we all have our differences, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Try reaching out to some ex-pals from your past whose friendships you wish hadn’t fizzled out of your life. Who knows, maybe this time around Friendship 2.0 can be stronger than it was the first time! Becoming more tolerant is an essential skill to develop because nobody is “perfect” all the time, and your romantic partner won’t be, either.

Reconnect with your family members.

Not everyone can relate to sayings like “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” We all have those family members who are supposed to share our genes but when we interact with them, we’re thinking, How the heck are we related!? Well, now is the time to figure out how to best interact. It’s not that the love isn’t there; rather, it’s that understanding is missing. Take the time to figure out how to best communicate with one another, and then you can sit back and watch as heartache and stress dissolves from your life. You’ll finally feel a sense of deep comfort and security that is so, so worth it. Practicing communication skills here can later be utilized in a romantic partnership where emotions can certainly run just as high.

Get out of your comfort zone by doing “date” activities solo.

Are you the type of person who is too afraid to go by yourself to eat at a restaurant or hit up a local museum? Well, now’s the time to get over that, friend! Once you start solo-venturing, as I like to call it, you’ll begin wondering how you ever used to feel self-conscious. No one is thinking that you’re a friendless loser for being alone – and you shouldn’t be thinking that about yourself, either (ahem, because it’s just not true!). That being said, if you don’t find yourself very good company for whatever reason, you can take this time to work on that before you enter into your next relationship, where you will be somebody else’s company.

Learn that taking care of yourself is not indulgent.

When it comes to emotional nourishment, great options include journaling, meditation, yoga, making art (whichever form you like best!), and cooking plant-based meals for which no animals were harmed. Taking care of your physical body, whether you do so by using whatever facemask the Internet currently swears by or through sweating it out on the treadmill at the gym, isn’t being narcissistic. It’s kind of hard to be self-loathing when you give yourself a weekly mani-pedi, ya know? I used to feel so indulgent if I would do these things that couldn’t be put onto a resume, written proof of their importance and worth. I would think to myself after hours upon hours of working, plagued with guilt and shame: Shouldn’t I still be getting ahead with work, either grad school homework or my side-hustle as a freelance writer? But if all we do is work, our energy levels will be constantly depleted and then we will be grumpy, which isn’t fun for anyone. I eventually realized (and am now able to appreciate) that the nurturing acts mentioned above are simply ways for us to show love to ourselves, much like how we would show our love to a romantic partner. Through self-care, we can present our best selves to the world, thus making it a better place to live, play, explore, and create! And this naturally attracts the right partners for us into our lives.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Windrose Magazine issue 2 is almost finished!

In issue 2, you’ll find articles like:

"On Heartbreak and Healing"
"The Poison of Perfectionism"
"In Defense of Loneliness"
"How Corporate Killed My Creativity And How I Got It Back"
"On What It Means to Matter: An Interview with Author Hannah Brencher"

And so much more—all real life stories to assure you that you’re not alone as you navigate life in your twenties.

We need your help!

In support of Windrose issue 2, we’ve launched a Kickstarter!

3 simple ways you can support us:

Purchase this dope “Awake My Soul” downloadable print.
Pre-order issue 2 of Windrose Magazine.
Share with your friends and fam who would enjoy Windrose!

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Featured

The End of An Era: Saying Goodbye to Windrose

Hi friends,

Announcement (sounds so formal, doesn’t it?):

It's the end of an era.

I’ve decided that, after nearly 8 years of telling stories of navigating life, this season of Windrose is drawing to a close.

Even Here: Words for When You're Wandering

When I was 22 years old, I visited the desert for the first time.

A metaphorical desert, if we’re getting technical.

I was fresh out of college, starry-eyed and eager to begin my post-grad life. I had big ‘ole me-centered dreams: a shiny, brag-worthy PR job in the music industry! An apartment with an exposed brick wall that (somehow) would fit an upright piano! A committed relationship with a kind, goofy man!

I got exactly none of those things.

To summarize an entire year’s worth of emotion: I was devastated.

When Life Feels Small

I hit a car in a parking garage once.

Nothing bad, really, just a ding in the door from a turn cut just a little too tight.

Truthfully, my car suffered the brunt of the bunt. But the other car was a nice one. I don’t remember the make or model—I’m not really a car person—but I do remember it was a convertible. Someone dropped a lotta dollars on this depreciating piece of metal, and I had just chipped paint off the gleaming door. Big yikes.

All because I was in a rush to get to my doctor’s appointment.

Practicing (and Failing at) Grace on the Road

Last week, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate.

I was in a line of cars needing to merge into the bedlam of backed-up vehicles. We had an organized system in place, me and the cars in front of me: a car merged, then the car behind that car merged, and so on. I made my way into a gap between two 18-wheelers, neatly following the rules like the good girl I am.

But then—l'horreur!—what did the cars behind me do? Speed down the on-ramp in an effort to get ahead by usurping the follow-the-leader system of merging we had all tacitly agreed upon.

Teacher, they’re cutting!

I was… not happy.

Anne Lamott writes, “Sometimes the movement of grace looks like letting other people go first.”

That’s nice.

Here’s what I did instead.

Developing Community: Moving Towards a Space of Vulnerability, Intentionality, and Diversity

My parents moved me in and helped me explore this new city for a few days, but eventually this new place had to become my own. I tried out the coffeeshops (which didn’t compare to the ones back home) and became acquainted with people at my seminary. I found interest in what I was learning and “plugged in” wherever I could.

Quickly, however, I began to realize a need in myself for deeper community. I longed to be around people with similar mindsets. Mindsets that didn’t just recognize but acted on vulnerability, intentionality, and diversity. These types of mindsets had been prevalent in the community I was around at my undergrad, so I was puzzled as to why I was overlooking them here.

No Man Is An Island: An Ode to Our Neediness

The last few years of my life—so basically my Full Grown Adult Years—have been a reinforced lesson in this one simple yet slightly-jarring fact: we need each other. I mean, need-NEED each other.

“No man is an island,” says Thomas Merton, and my bae C.S. Lewis backs this up further by writing, “We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”

We’re meant to be needy, but why is it so hard to acknowledge and accept this?

Say What You Need

Now maybe it wasn’t your family or your upbringing that made you neglect voicing your needs. Maybe it was a toxic relationship or a difficult work environment. Maybe it was someone who told you that your needs were selfish or that the desires of your heart didn’t matter.

Whatever it was, I urge you to identify those people or experiences or situations and start using that knowledge to change.

New Things, Better Things (A Reprise): Words for When You're Stuck in the Past

But while I’ve tried to convince myself that I am looking forward, staring straight at the wide open interstate ahead, I spent so many months still sneaking peeks into the rearview mirror every few seconds, not quite accepting that the road behind me is, in fact, behind me.

But this story isn’t the whole of my story, only a minor plotline amongst the greater. Even so, ignoring it won’t erase it like the stroke of the delete key. It may be a minor plotline, but it is a plotline woven tight around the greater story of my life for several years now.

I can’t ignore it.

A Beginner's Guide to the Enneagram

Maybe you, like me, have become curious about the Enneagram because it is popping up everywhere in conversations and on your social media timeline. Maybe you know everything there is to know and have become quite fluent in Ennea-lingo (you even know that there are sub-types!).

Maybe this is the first time you’re ever hearing about this weird test and you’ve spent the last four paragraphs trying to figure out how to even pronounce the word “Enneagram” (In-ee-a-gram, for the record).

No matter where you’re at, we can all use some guidelines when it comes to personality tests, because none of us are immune to over-identifying, self-shaming, and becoming a walking personality-test-fulfilling prophesy. So, without further ado, here are my dos and don’ts of Enneagram-ing.

The Battle to Overcome Your Rejection

Rejection is an issue I’ve had to wrestle hard with over the last three years. Every time Rejection and I had to face off in the boxing arena, I would always end up slammed and pinned down. In boxing, you have ten seconds to get yourself up before the game is over. For me, it took months before I could even peel my head off the floor.

How to Respond to Someone Else's Grief

But this post isn't about my own grief. It's not about the tears I've cried, or the questions I've asked. It’s not about my own days where getting out of bed felt too hard.

It's about a different side of the fight. It's about your mom's grief when she loses her college roommate. And your best friend after she has a miscarriage. It’s about all the people you encounter, telling you about their grief.

So Lonely I Could Die: What I Have Learned About Loneliness

The night it happens I’m alone. Afternoon slides into darkness, a day gone without notice. I put on a rom-com. I paint my nails. I wait.

I’m jonesing for junk food, so I walk up over the hill and get fries and a shake at the Park Street McDonald’s. On my way home through the Common, it starts to pour. My sandals take on water like a sponge. I squelch up to the third floor and towel off. The fries are cold and the milkshake is cloyingly sweet. I regret ever wanting them. I am still alone.

RelationshipsBrooke SaffermanMarch 8, 2018FeaturedComment