I need to cry. It’s not the kind of cry that comes out in laboured sobs and makes people around you feel genuinely uncomfortable as they watch the world end on your face. It’s the kind that comes when you reach the end of your grief: acceptance.
Read MoreAt 25, I’ve officially crossed into the territory where more of my friends are married than not, and many are starting to have children of their own. I can’t even commit to more than a two-week long affair with a particular variety of Fernet–or rather, it can’t commit to me. As a rule, I don’t like to spend much time considering feelings of lack, but I’ve begun to notice that an absence of partnership gnaws at me more mornings and evenings than I’d like to admit.
Read MoreAs confident as I had been in my decision at the time, walking away from my glamorous magazine job—and along with it, my lifelong “dream” career—left an emotional scar that refused to heal, no matter how many times I told myself it was for the best. A year later, I was still feeling an incredible amount of doubt. Perhaps, even, a tinge of regret. And because I was scared of what people would think, I refrained from talking (or writing) about it.
Read MoreLooking back on the artifacts of our good times together has shown me that it is alright to let go of the friends I have lost. Allowing them to travel down the paths they have chosen, without holding a grudge, is part of embracing their complexities.
Read MoreGrowth is slower and more subtle than I used to think it was. It doesn’t always look like milestones or hurdles jumped, and it’s hard to document. My journal pages from the last two years don’t look all that different from each other; there aren’t huge leaps made from one day to the next. But over the months, my voice reads a little happier. A little more hopeful for the future.
Read MoreEven so, I’ve been surprised at the feeling of worthlessness that has come alongside this period of quiet. The questions in my mind of, what am I contributing to anybody? Am I allowed to still be “resting” or is this really just laziness now? Is everyone around me wondering what I’m doing with my time? Am I paranoid to be thinking like this? If I’m secure in my identity and my decisions about how to spend my time, where has this fear of worthlessness come from?
Read MoreWhen I went home every summer, being back with my parents and having a different set of expectations placed upon me made friction inevitable. Far away in the UK, I could deal with familial disagreements by ignoring text messages or putting off video calls, but back home I had to face them head on. This often resulted in arguments or unfriendly responses and ultimately, I was left dissatisfied with my relationship with my parents.
Read MoreThe main topic of conversation my senior year was, of course, how will we all stay friends? After graduation, we’d be going different directions. Live in different cities, have different jobs. We’d spent so long being just a few floors apart in the dorms, and we were worried.
Read MoreEncourage others as much as you can as long as you can.
It's funny.
No, it really is.
The more graduations I have (because dual degree, not just for numbers sake), the more I feel like this is all pretend.
I have always been the quiet one. I’ve never spoken up in classes, never could talk to the person standing next to me in the elevator, never been described as bubbly or charismatic. Every start of a new school year, ever strike of midnight on New Year's Eve, I had one resolution.
Just talk more, I'd tell myself. Be outgoing.
Read MoreIn my past relationship, I had been with a guy who took gym selfies and posted them on social media. He also couldn't be bothered by texts through the week, unless it was to confirm weekend plans. He would curse at me as a joke and then expect me to laugh.
Why did I stay in this relationship? Why did I not run when I knew it was wrong? Great question!
Read MoreWhen I was growing up, my mom often quoted her favorite movie. “When the Lord closes a door,” she said, channeling Maria Von Trapp, “somewhere he opens a window.” Though I’m not one to live my life based on corny lines from The Sound of Music, I do think that there’s something wise about this particular platitude.
Read MoreMy heart lives in Minnesota.
My soul lives in Nashville.
My mind lives in New York.
It's hard being split in three.
Read MoreDespite the fact that I am oddly aware of all of this, I love making plans. The idea of a full social calendar has always been appealing. I'm the quintessential "extroverted-introvert" who lives for the opportunity to be a party girl, yet craves serious alone time. By Monday, I have plans for a mid -week dinner and by then, Friday night plans are brewing. Meanwhile, all the while, I’m thinking, “Shit, I just want to do nothing in peace, yet have an ongoing conversation via text with my best friend.” All of this mental anguish is because I said “yes.”
Read MoreNow, at nearly 24 years of age, I go to bed every night with the latest version iPhone in front of my face and happily let it greet me every morning. This tiny computer is my companion; I couldn’t imagine life without it. It serves as an escape when I need it to, and a distraction when I don’t. It has the power to remove me from reality and cut down drastically on actual physical connection. I, more often than not, chose to be in that simulated world at my fingertips instead of in the present moment.
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