This title fit perfectly across the top line of my notebook's page, left to right, when writing the first draft of this piece. If only the content fit as snugly across the length of my mind. It's strange to no longer associate with the label that has identified you for almost your entire life but have no option but to see it through. I've never not been a student, but I'm beginning to tire of it.
Read MoreFor as long as I can remember, my school reports nearly always said the same thing: good student, does her work, but she is constantly lost in daydreams; her head is always in the clouds. And I grew out of a lot of things but never that.
Read MoreA wistful gleam of light pours onto my pale face, bags like fake Prada clutches sit under my eyes and my hair is swept in a ponytail. I've decided to put on my makeup at work to save time, sanity, and immerse myself in an extra two minutes of sleep.
Read MoreI haven’t been on a date in seven months. This is the point in the chick film where my best friend says it’s time to get drunk and go find a dude (pops a cork and champagne splashes everywhere). Believe me when I say the desire is there, but the rush and opportunity has not been presented. It’ll happen in it’s own time, I suppose.
Regardless of how timing works, I came to find that perhaps, just perhaps, examining my past relationships and what I learned from them would be the only way to learn from my mistakes in order to have a healthy relationship in the future, whenever that may be.
Read MoreFew people warn you of the transition of moving back home. There exists this strange chasm between the gradual independence gained in college and the desired autonomy of adulthood. A degree of dependence, for me, has become unavoidable and I am constantly being reminded of how fortunate I am to be in such a position. It is oddly dispiriting, however, to watch as my carefully constructed independence is dismantled.
Read MoreIt’s been six months since I graduated from university and if I’m perfectly candid, it’s been a rough ride. People keep telling me that it’s okay to not know what you’re doing at this stage in life. “You’re so young, take time to figure it out!”
I have been told some variation of that statement hundreds of times since April. As reassuring as it is to hear, I haven’t felt content with what I’m doing since I was in school. I miss writing every day. I miss being challenged, studying, learning new things and that fly-by-the-seat-of-my pants adrenaline rush I get anytime I’m working under a strict deadline.
Read More“How do you want your eggs?”
I’m sitting next to him on the patio of an IHOP in the rain, smiling too much and keeping my hands in my lap where he can’t reach out and grab one.
If he notices the way I don’t lean in for a kiss and cross my arms when we walk, he doesn’t let on. He leans in for me, wraps his arms around me in my favorite bear hug.
Read More“Let this be enough.”
I heard those simple words this morning as I sat quietly in my living room beneath the “Inhale” and “Exhale” artwork that reminds me to breathe. In my left arm sat my cuddly grey cat that I never intended to own; in my right hand steam rose from the coffee in my Be Brave mug. My jealous Poodle, deeply offended that I could love any creature apart from herself, had crawled into my lap and curled up on the pillow. A soft Target blanket was tucked around my legs, and my feet were warm inside fuzzy socks. A pumpkin candle glowed and fall’s weak morning light shone through the windows. Be still, I urged my mind. Be still and know. Stay quiet and listen.
Read MoreWhen I got the email, I knew I didn’t really have a choice. I was growing bored of my small college town and the fear of remaining there forever was stronger than ever as all of the people around me were graduating. I hated that I had already stayed this long after my own graduation. I was feeling stagnant; I was getting restless. I loved everything about my life as it was, except for the fact that there was no way it would stay that way. I had the urge to leave before everyone else did.
Read MoreBut difficult classes, loneliness, discontent, and failed experiments quickly overshadowed the idyllic concept I had of this season of life. What had once felt so solid in my mind began to crumble and it's only now, one year later, that little buds of insight are poking through that shattered concrete of some of the blocks I'd built upon my foundation.
Read MoreOn Monday, I am happy because I visited my college this past weekend. I walked around campus and remembered lots of little things—who I sat on that bench with, where I ate the most deliciously unhealthy meals, what sidewalks got to eavesdrop on my heartbreak. It’s all still there and so are my friends and everything about it is as beautiful as I left it.
And then I am sad, because I had to come back here and wake up early and go to work. College has gone on existing. It is difficult to fathom my campus without me, me without it. There used to be a hole in the Boston College atmosphere where I fit perfectly, and I am afraid that pockets of me are still left behind there, in those gaps. I’m afraid that there are holes in me now that I won’t know how to fill.
Read MoreTwenty-three has been the hardest year of my life, straight up. And I say that with zero melodrama and with the common sense that there will be years ahead that are worse and years ahead that are better. I know many of you can relate. Maybe this is just our early 20s, or maybe this is just life—this pendulum swinging between the dark and light, wandering and arriving, wondering and knowing, grief and joy.
Read MoreI step inside the duplex, the one I had been living in for the last year with four of my best friends, and immediately notice the new coffee maker in the kitchen. The duplex looks a bit different now with three new tenants. Two of my best friends still live there and every time I visit I notice a new way the interior has changed in my absence. I feel almost cheated on by that house before I remind myself that houses don't have feelings and it's not personal, Maddi.
Read MoreMy five-year anniversary as a coordinator in academia arrived this month, and with it came a reality check. I graduated six years ago, and the goals I set out with are not the ones I have met since then. This can be a terrifying thing to realize, as though your ride in life took a detour and you only noticed at the end destination. The truth, however, is more complicated than that.
Read MoreI have about a thousand memories of fall tucked away in my back pocket—any one of them, if pulled out at the right time, would have me spiraling into a fit of nostalgia. Fall is a special time of the year. Even if you weren’t the first in line to grab a pumpkin spice latte on September 1st, I’m sure there is something in your spirit that this statement resonates with.
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