A Head Full of Doubt
I graduate college in one month. Meaning if I don’t fail the marketing class I’ve actively avoided all semester, I will graduate college in one month.
Avoidance has been somewhat of an overarching THEME throughout my senior year at Belmont University. Avoidance of school work because apathy in that department has reached v extreme levels. Avoidance of the job hunt because how do you do that even? Avoidance of committing to a post-grad plan in general because I’m in a deep state of psychological regression or denial or both. Haha, damn! I’m really selling myself here!
Sometimes I take to the Internet to research my personality weaknesses, mainly in attempt to justify these tendencies. I’m an INFP. Reflective, but struggles to act. Good! This explains a lot! *doesn’t act to improve upon that*
Even this late in the game, graduation sometimes feels less like a reality and more like vague, hazy concept. Except it is real and it is only one month away. I should probably figure something out soon if I have any intention on being a contributing citizen of the world. LOL, this is my nightmare.
The thing is, it’s not like I’ve let my college days pass by like someone whose biggest accomplishment was going Greek (YEAH WHATEVER I SAID IT). At the risk of sounding like a 100% tool, my resume is actually kind of impressive. Some legit internships, a semester abroad, New York experience, below-average Photoshop proficiency. But I struggle finding much reassurance in any of that. A resume is just a piece of paper, and to be completely honest, my piece of paper is loaded with experience in a field that I have almost zero interest in anymore. Again, my nightmare.
(Some background: I came to Belmont as a music business major. Hated it. Switched to studio art. Enjoyed it, but lacked the confidence it takes to be an art major. Switched to public relations. “Meh,” I thought, “it’s versatile.” Kept studio art as my minor. Have felt like corporate sellout ever since.)
I think a big fear of mine is that somehow it’s too late to change my path, which I know is ridiculous. I’ve talked to countless people, all older and wiser than me, who have all reiterated how unimportant your major is. There is still time to pursue art. There is still time to pursue writing. There is still time to travel. There will always be time to chase a new passion. I even try to remind my friends this during their own moments of self-doubt, but why is it so hard to believe it for myself? WHY are we so unbelieving in ourselves?
If I don’t fail marketing, I will soon be a 22 year-old with a college degree, full health, livin’ free in the USA. That statement on its own makes me want to deck myself with a sack of potatoes for thinking I have it hard. I am fully capable of doing just about anything I want to do (within reason) and instead of seizing that, I fall into this trap of avoidance because I’m scared of this vague concept of uncertainty. In the words of the my #1 bae Louis C.K.:
“There are people who just starve to death – that’s all they ever did. There are people who are, like, born and they go, ‘uh, I’m hungry,’ then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do.”
Sorry to get all dark on you, but it makes you think! I - and everyone else graduating in just a few short weeks - have so much opportunity ahead. So much opportunity I feel guilty about it. The world could be my oyster, but not if I choose to avoid shellfish.
[Photo by Juliette Kibodeaux.]