This is What Letting Go Means

Letting go means that when the pain becomes so unbearable and obsessive that you don’t remember what life was like without it, you finally understand that you gave him more of you than you have of yourself. Letting go means realizing that you’ve been standing in the fire for so long without seeing that you were being consumed by the flames.

Letting go means no longer telling yourself that love never truly ends. Letting go means understanding that he will never come back. It means no longer telling yourself, “maybe one day.” It means accepting that he is happy with someone else. It means wanting to hold yourself together even when you’d rather be falling apart.

Letting go means making the immovable, final decision that you have to let go, even when your feelings tell you not to. It means making that decision every morning when you wake up; it means repeating it to yourself hourly.

Letting go means getting used to that raw anxiety that’s taken up residence in your gut ever since the day you felt like the ground stopped holding you up. Letting go means envisioning the day when you’ll feel the floor beneath your feet again.

Letting go means first putting away the pictures that were on your wall, then deleting the pictures on your phone, then deleting the screenshotted text messages because they don’t make you smile anymore. I promise you, eventually you’ll be ready to erase those messages.

Letting go means sometimes holding on. For every few days you go without looking at his new life on Facebook, without spending hours scrolling through text messages that are six months old, without any tears escaping, and without looking at yourself in the mirror thinking “you weren’t good enough,” you will have a few days of doing those things all over again. It means learning not to be angry with yourself for doing so.

Letting go means asking friends if you can come over—sometimes just walking through their front doors. Letting go means time with those friends won’t be about distracting yourself from him, it’ll be about being exactly where you want to be.

Letting go means you no longer hold onto being his friend, even if that was what you two had agreed upon in your last words to one another.

Letting go means allowing yourself to be angry without any real reason. Letting go means allowing yourself to feel happy even when you know you’re still pretty sad. Letting go means allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without saying sorry.

Letting go means that he starts to feel less like a tidal wave and more like a long-ago dream—you can only remember the details when you concentrate on your memories. Letting go means you no longer have the energy to concentrate on them.

Letting go means finally belonging to yourself again. I promise you this—you are worth more than the pain of letting him go.

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The End of An Era: Saying Goodbye to Windrose

Hi friends,

Announcement (sounds so formal, doesn’t it?):

It's the end of an era.

I’ve decided that, after nearly 8 years of telling stories of navigating life, this season of Windrose is drawing to a close.

Even Here: Words for When You're Wandering

When I was 22 years old, I visited the desert for the first time.

A metaphorical desert, if we’re getting technical.

I was fresh out of college, starry-eyed and eager to begin my post-grad life. I had big ‘ole me-centered dreams: a shiny, brag-worthy PR job in the music industry! An apartment with an exposed brick wall that (somehow) would fit an upright piano! A committed relationship with a kind, goofy man!

I got exactly none of those things.

To summarize an entire year’s worth of emotion: I was devastated.

When Life Feels Small

I hit a car in a parking garage once.

Nothing bad, really, just a ding in the door from a turn cut just a little too tight.

Truthfully, my car suffered the brunt of the bunt. But the other car was a nice one. I don’t remember the make or model—I’m not really a car person—but I do remember it was a convertible. Someone dropped a lotta dollars on this depreciating piece of metal, and I had just chipped paint off the gleaming door. Big yikes.

All because I was in a rush to get to my doctor’s appointment.

Practicing (and Failing at) Grace on the Road

Last week, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate.

I was in a line of cars needing to merge into the bedlam of backed-up vehicles. We had an organized system in place, me and the cars in front of me: a car merged, then the car behind that car merged, and so on. I made my way into a gap between two 18-wheelers, neatly following the rules like the good girl I am.

But then—l'horreur!—what did the cars behind me do? Speed down the on-ramp in an effort to get ahead by usurping the follow-the-leader system of merging we had all tacitly agreed upon.

Teacher, they’re cutting!

I was… not happy.

Anne Lamott writes, “Sometimes the movement of grace looks like letting other people go first.”

That’s nice.

Here’s what I did instead.

Looking on the Bright Side: On Feeling Stagnant in a Global Pandemic

Now each day blends into the next. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it’s September already. What have I accomplished?

My bed has a me-shaped impression in it from sitting in it so much. I spend my days seeing how many episodes of Love Island I can bear to watch in 24 hours. Work is hard to concentrate on when there isn’t a separation between me time and work time, since me time and work time both take place in the same room.

My heart aches for normalcy, for my friends, my family, for change, for growth. The pandemic has made me feel so… stagnant.

You Are Worth It: A Journey to Discovering Your Voice & Worth

In November of 2019, two weeks before my wedding, I called it off.

It was the hardest conversation I have ever had, and it created a domino effect of more difficult conversations with practically everyone in my inner circle. And those conversations created a ripple effect of embarrassing moments with acquaintances and co-workers.

The most difficult part of all of it was that no one saw it coming. Not even me.

Developing Community: Moving Towards a Space of Vulnerability, Intentionality, and Diversity

My parents moved me in and helped me explore this new city for a few days, but eventually this new place had to become my own. I tried out the coffeeshops (which didn’t compare to the ones back home) and became acquainted with people at my seminary. I found interest in what I was learning and “plugged in” wherever I could.

Quickly, however, I began to realize a need in myself for deeper community. I longed to be around people with similar mindsets. Mindsets that didn’t just recognize but acted on vulnerability, intentionality, and diversity. These types of mindsets had been prevalent in the community I was around at my undergrad, so I was puzzled as to why I was overlooking them here.

No Man Is An Island: An Ode to Our Neediness

The last few years of my life—so basically my Full Grown Adult Years—have been a reinforced lesson in this one simple yet slightly-jarring fact: we need each other. I mean, need-NEED each other.

“No man is an island,” says Thomas Merton, and my bae C.S. Lewis backs this up further by writing, “We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”

We’re meant to be needy, but why is it so hard to acknowledge and accept this?

Say What You Need

Now maybe it wasn’t your family or your upbringing that made you neglect voicing your needs. Maybe it was a toxic relationship or a difficult work environment. Maybe it was someone who told you that your needs were selfish or that the desires of your heart didn’t matter.

Whatever it was, I urge you to identify those people or experiences or situations and start using that knowledge to change.

New Things, Better Things (A Reprise): Words for When You're Stuck in the Past

But while I’ve tried to convince myself that I am looking forward, staring straight at the wide open interstate ahead, I spent so many months still sneaking peeks into the rearview mirror every few seconds, not quite accepting that the road behind me is, in fact, behind me.

But this story isn’t the whole of my story, only a minor plotline amongst the greater. Even so, ignoring it won’t erase it like the stroke of the delete key. It may be a minor plotline, but it is a plotline woven tight around the greater story of my life for several years now.

I can’t ignore it.

A Beginner's Guide to the Enneagram

Maybe you, like me, have become curious about the Enneagram because it is popping up everywhere in conversations and on your social media timeline. Maybe you know everything there is to know and have become quite fluent in Ennea-lingo (you even know that there are sub-types!).

Maybe this is the first time you’re ever hearing about this weird test and you’ve spent the last four paragraphs trying to figure out how to even pronounce the word “Enneagram” (In-ee-a-gram, for the record).

No matter where you’re at, we can all use some guidelines when it comes to personality tests, because none of us are immune to over-identifying, self-shaming, and becoming a walking personality-test-fulfilling prophesy. So, without further ado, here are my dos and don’ts of Enneagram-ing.

The Battle to Overcome Your Rejection

Rejection is an issue I’ve had to wrestle hard with over the last three years. Every time Rejection and I had to face off in the boxing arena, I would always end up slammed and pinned down. In boxing, you have ten seconds to get yourself up before the game is over. For me, it took months before I could even peel my head off the floor.

RelationshipsAmanda BeadlescombFebruary 28, 2017FeaturedComment

This is What Letting Go Means

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