You Are Worth It: A Journey to Discovering Your Voice & Worth

In November of 2019, two weeks before my wedding, I called it off.

It was the hardest conversation I have ever had, and it created a domino effect of more difficult conversations with practically everyone in my inner circle. And those conversations created a ripple effect of embarrassing moments with acquaintances and co-workers. 

The most difficult part of all of it was that no one saw it coming. Not even me.

On the outside, my life looked picture perfect. It was curated to perfection, and it was so good that even I was blind to the truths that lurked beneath the surface. 

I have always been the girl who doesn’t rock the boat. I don’t draw attention to myself. I haven’t ever been the center of drama or a scandal. I keep the peace, even when that means I’m not at peace within myself.

I was a professional at keeping the appearance of having it all together. So to literally shatter the facade I had created and to do it so publicly and to upset and confuse so many people shook me like no other moment in my life.

There was a period afterwards where I questioned, not my decision, but the options I had in that final conversation. What would you do if you were getting married to a great person, but the wrong person for you? I felt trapped no matter what I did. 

After calling off my wedding, I mustered up the dignity I had left. I went back to work, I smiled through every day, I apologized to people who I had let down, I comforted those who were upset by what happened. I stayed strong for everyone around me. My life flipped upside down and I’m the one who flipped it. I completely understood that and took on the burden that came with it. I kept my head down and stayed the course, never pausing to think about what was going on internally.

My world felt like it was crumbling, but I numbed that pain with work.

In fact, I added even more to my plate. I took on more responsibility at both of my jobs, worked on extra projects, and even took on more financial responsibilities.

And then the pandemic hit and the lockdown went into effect. Another world-shattering event.

But I saw it as having more “free time” to fill with work and projects. And that’s exactly what I did. I moved back in with my mom, rented out my house, and filled every second of my day with teaching and projects and trying to be as “productive” as possible. And I was still ignoring all of the internal work I desperately needed to do. 

Then in June of 2020, I had a massive panic attack which left me unable to eat or do really much of anything for a solid month.

I felt helpless and frustrated and afraid. I had never let myself go like this. My mind was a dark place filled with nothing but fear and negativity. I had kept myself so busy and now my work was piling up which stressed me out even more. I was healthy; I was happy. I thought. 

Thankfully, this led me to therapy (really y’all, therapy is awesome).

And as I talked and vented and spilled my guts, my therapist said something that really shocked me.

He said, “It sounds like you finally found your voice.”

And I realized he was right. When I called off my engagement, I—for the first time—was speaking up for myself, advocating for my own needs and wants. For a brief moment, I had laid aside what I thought others wanted from me and chose myself.

For my entire life, I tried to control every aspect of every single day: to control the outcome, to control the perception by others, to control my own inhibitions. But in that very difficult conversation, I advocated for what I knew was right for me. I didn’t allow the opinions of others, the fear of being “that girl,” or the disappointment I knew I would feel from everyone in my life to control my actions. Was the timing great? Not at all. Was it the right choice for everyone involved? Definitely. 

After that moment in therapy, I realized that I had never really invested in myself. I spent the majority of my time trying to please everyone else, never stopping to decide if what was being placed in front of me was something that I wanted or needed to do. I was way too tired for a twenty-eight year old with dreams and goals and plans. I found myself getting burnt out from my passions, the things that make me feel like I’m truly living. I had an unhealthy relationship with food, my body, and with certain people in my life. And my anxiety attack was my body’s way of speaking up and saying enough is enough. 

If you’ve ever dealt with anxiety, you know the toll it takes on your mind, spirit, and body.

I decided to tackle each and take things one day at a time. I started listening to positive podcasts and filling up my car rides with positive affirmations. I genuinely needed the thoughts in my head to pivot and become positive. I started therapy and finally felt some release in the thinking that I am worth taking the time for me. Therapy gave me some incredible tools that allowed me to focus on all of the good that is around me. My mindset was so warped into seeing everything in a negative light. It was a funk I couldn’t get myself out of alone.  

I also started working with a nutritionist who is helping me find what works best for me. She’s also helping me shift my mindset on food and health and again, reinforcing the new-to-me idea that I am worth feeling good every single day. Before, I would have never spent the money on therapy or doctor visits or a nutritionist. I wouldn’t have made time for that or felt like it was necessary. But now, these are things that are helping me be a better me on the inside. Which is where it counts. 

In one of the podcasts, I heard the sentiment that if you are free, then it is your responsibility to free others. And even as I am on a road of discovery and recovery, I feel a responsibility to help others discover their voices and realize that they are worth it. Obviously, we are living in some strange times. Nothing feels secure right now. And we can easily internalize the chaos of the world and really have ourselves beliving the worst about ourselves. 

Whoever you are reading this: You are WORTHY. You are BEAUTIFUL. You have so many GOOD things going for you. You are SAFE. You are LOVED. You are STRONG. You have more DEPTH than a perfectly-posed picture you see on your Instagram feed. Your TIME and ENERGY MATTER. It’s never too late to change your mind and do what’s best for YOU. You are IMPORTANT. 

In our darkest moments, these things are sometimes impossible to see. But they are still true. I encourage you—when you’re feeling low, anxious, or stressed—to remember these things.

Take what makes sense for you from that list. Write it on your mirror. Repeat it to yourself in every moment you need it. You’re worth it. You are strong enough to advocate for yourself.

And if you don’t feel like you’re there yet, link up with someone who will remind you. That person might be a therapist, a doctor, a parent, a significant other, a sibling, or a friend. It might be an Instagram account with positive affirmations, a good podcast, a glass of water in the morning. There are reminders all around you that you are worth taking care of yourself, you are worth saying yes to the things that excite you and no to the things that you don’t want to do.

You are worth investing in yourself and creating the life that brings you peace and joy.

You really are.

[Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash]

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