On Navigating Grief During the Isolation of Quarantine

I read about the third suicide that had happened while we were in quarantine via email from my supervisor. 

“I apologize for my absence. As some of you may have heard, my brother committed suicide over the weekend, and my family and I have been grieving this loss.”

I wrote back to the mass email individually saying how sorry I was for her loss, and that I, too, had suffered a loss at this time. Within the last month, I had lost my uncle to a surgery that left him paralyzed for weeks in the hospital. Alone. Without family. And that that had filled my heart with grief in a confusing time that didn’t allow people to gather and grieve the loss of a loved one. Let alone, let them say goodbye.

Within the three months of quarantine, I have heard of colleagues and friends losing loved ones. I also have heard of the suicide rate rising in numbers tremendously, and others feeling the weight of isolation and grief with a dying economy. This is truly a depressing time not just for the country, but in the world. Everyone is suffering a loss, so it seems.

Recently I have felt guilty for being in sweats and staying home all day (on top of being stir crazy), which has made me contemplate why I feel this way. I have had a steady job that is not affected by the economy by any means. I have a safe home. I saw friends and family at a safe distance. I even got a new pup a few weeks ago, who belonged to my uncle. So why did I feel so guilty, let alone lethargic and useless? 

If I have not mentioned it before, I work in social work, and have heard more stories like this. In a time that has required a lot of change to summer plans, expectations, and finances for people, it is no wonder we may all be feeling let down, depressed, anxious, lethargic, or even grief.

That to say, any feeling we’re having in this moment is valid. Our world has changed as we know it, and there is no set time to when things will go back to normal, whatever that may mean after a pandemic. 

To make sense of the grief I was experiencing during this time, I made a list of the losses I have experienced in order to help me rationalize why I may be feeling sluggish some days and only wanting to Netflix and chill. 

Covid-19 has taken away from me: 

Time with friends.

Physical touch.

An office space to compartmentalize my life more. 

Summer festivals.

The opportunity to gather with family and grieve the loss of a loved one. 

The opportunity to have said goodbye to a loved one as they laid in the hospital for weeks.

The opportunity to travel this summer.

The ability to sneeze or cough in public without sending people running. 

Time with my students and being able to say goodbye to the ones transferring to another school next school year.

Freedom to go to a store, any store.

Manicures. 

The gym.

Full shelves. 

Accessibility to items I found essential. 

Sharing a drink with a friend because you never know if you want a whole glass for yourself or not.

Time with family.

My commencement. 

The list goes on. 

In a time where the world feels different from what I am used to, I’ve come to find it’s okay to feel complex feelings that I had never experienced. Perhaps feelings that never coincided with happy moments, such as disappointment (e.g. graduating with my Master’s, but not being able to walk the stage) or sadness (e.g. Zooming with old friends I haven’t talked to in years, but then realizing I haven’t hugged a friend for ages).

Perhaps with events in the world as the way they are now, we all have the right to grieve. We are not sure what tomorrow holds, or if tomorrow brings something for better or for worse. 

By pointing out the causes of my emotions, I have gained clarity as to why I am feeling the way I am emotionally and physically. And just by acknowledging these causes, I have somewhat gained inner peace to knowing I am alright for feeling this way.

[Photo by Eduard Militaru on Unsplash]

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