What Do You Want?

[This essay was originally sent as part of our “Words for Your Wednesday” weekly email series. If you’d like to get reads like this one sent straight to your inbox, you can join the Windrose email community here.]

My life in Nashville almost didn’t happen.

Originally, I had planned to go to college with my best friend. We’d be roommates and our dorm would be cute and coordinated thanks to Target’s budget-quality Room Essentials™.

We visited Belmont University in Nashville together. I loved it, but it wasn’t the place for her. That’s okay, I thought, I’ll just go to the other school we had both applied for, the one securely situated within my home state’s borders. A cute and coordinated Room Essentials™ dorm could still be a reality.

But then she chose another school.

For reasons beyond her control, my friend’s university route and mine diverged. There would be no cute and coordinated dorm room after all.

And so I had to answer the dreaded question, “What do YOU want?”

You mean I have to decide?! 

You see, I like to outsource my major life-altering decisions. After all, how can I trust li’l ‘ole ME to make the right choice? 

So I seek outside voices. 

I majored in public relations because my parents told me I needed to select a major that would “get me a job.” I applied for—and accepted—my first full-time role because a colleague told me it would be a good opportunity. 

“What should I do?” is one of my favorite questions to circulate amongst my confidantes. Decide my life for me, please and thanks.

Because here’s the thing about desire—it’s rarely sensible. (Ugh, the audacity.) In fact, desire can be rather disorderly, bringing with it the threat of change—and who wants that?! I’d much rather stay comfortable in my lane, listening to the “logical” voices inform my big decisions, and shushing up my desire and its risky proposals in the process.

When it came to answering, “What do YOU want?” in terms of a college choice, it turned out I wanted Belmont. I wanted Nashville. I was just too terrified to admit that I wanted to go to a city all by my lonesome when I had a much more comfortable option on the table to live with my best friend.

I’m facing a similar decision now.

I’m contemplating the consequences of calling another dot on the map my home, another zip code for my mailing address. But why would I do such a life-altering thing? Why would I intentionally say goodbye to a very good life here in Nashville?

A dear friend recently left Nashville for grad school. When people asked her why she was going and what her plans afterward were, she didn’t have an answer.

“I just want to.”

Oh.

And what if that’s enough—to choose to go, to take the job, to take the class, to apply for the program, to move away? Just because you want to?

Not because someone told you to. Not because it’s the “logical” choice. Not because it’s in line with outside expectations for how your life should play out. But just because you WANT it.

So what do you want?

I have a feeling you already know.

[Cover photo by Karl Magnuson via Unsplash]

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