11 reasons you should definitely read this book
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When I was younger I was the kind of person that was never fully happy for my friends when something good happened to them, because I was jealous. I wondered why good things were happening to them and not me; I became bitter.
But this year I've grown, both as a person and a professional. I've learned what I want out of my career, and I've learned what it means to be a good friend. With that said, it's been a big week for the people in my life and I am so excited for them.
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I recently stayed on a date longer than I would have liked. The night began with dinner, a dinner that was three hours long. “That’s so great!” you the reader might be thinking to yourself. “Laurel really connected with that guy and they had so much to chat about.” I so wish that was the case. The dinner lasted three hours and then the after-dinner drinks lasted another three hours because the person I went on a date with moves/speaks/blinks at the speed of Friday afternoon. The pace is certainly friendly. But you don’t want to cruise in the speed of Friday afternoon when greater things pepper your horizon. So when he asked me if I wanted to tour art museums with him - (FYI this is a wonderful date idea. It’s classy and fun.) - I knew I had to say no. And my heart sank in my chest a little bit.
I go on a lot of dates. This is not meant to be a bragging right; it is a simple fact. As a young, social human in a vibrant city bustling with single people, dating is somewhat commonplace. And there are so many wonderful pieces of advice about how to recover from rejection or a breakup that could combine to make a world full of pies. And a world full of pies would be a better place. But what I have not heard/read/listened to on a podcast is how to let someone down and how not to feel a million emotions yourself. I feel everything all the time. So, since they (someone at some point said this) say feelings are best processed with others, I have decided to share them with you.
When I have decided I no longer want to date someone, I usually travel through 5 stages.
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Europe’s youth is known for its love for traveling. Groundbreaking remark: Wanderlust is not just a hipster tattoo on millions of arms and shoulders but an actual word to describe people’s desire to go to different places and just “wander around the world”. Students take a break from college for a semester to interrail through Europe, become an au-pair in the US, work and travel in Australia. Why finish your degree during the standard period of study? Life will put its chains on you sooner or later anyways. And here is where my struggle begins: I want everything possible and all at the same time: Great degree. Successful work. Money. Time for travels.
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I didn’t necessarily expect the whole “adult” thing to be easy, but I also didn’t expect it to overwhelm me the way it did. Granted, I was also in a long-distance relationship that was quickly tanking, so that definitely didn’t help me navigate life in the aftermath of graduating. Along with having roommates with very different personalities than mine who brought a tense atmosphere to my home life, post-grad life dropped a whole new concept into my path: being intentional.
Graduating from college changes who you are—one moment you’re a student like you’ve always been, and the next moment you find that your identity has shifted. For me, the combination of a failing relationship, an uncomfortable home life and the loss of the built-in college community I’d had for 3.5 years made for a whirlwind season of life. If you’re not careful, all of a sudden you realize you haven’t seen your friends in two months and Netflix keeps asking you if you’re still watching your show because you fall asleep on the couch every night.
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Last summer, my beloved grandmother, Joyce, lost her short but very heartbreaking battle with brain cancer. She was my best friend, and to say that I miss her every day in an understatement; I’d give anything in the entire world to hear her voice or see her smile again. But the lessons I learned from her are what keep me moving forward on the days when all I want to do is fall apart.
Here are a just few of my favorites.
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I gave up alcohol for Lent. But it turns out, I didn’t give up the reason I normally drink alcohol. This is, of course, due to the fact that my love life is akin to post-meltdown Chernobyl. Lent happened on Ash Wednesday, as Lent does, and I stopped drinking. No happy-hour Shiners, no Friday afternoon margaritas, nothin’. Just iced tea, water, and hot cocoa. Additionally, Ash Wednesday was the day I flew to Texas for a weekend wedding. Now if you know me at all, or even if you don’t, you know that I love my friends, and I love that they have found love, but I often do not love weddings. This is probably because I don’t like wearing dresses. It’s also because weddings are expensive. Especially for bridesmaids. Particularly for Maids of Honor. Groomsmen have it so damn easy: just a bunch of college buddies getting together for a weekend of debauchery, breweries and golf for the bachelor party and then a weekend of wearing a suit they may or may not already own on one Saturday. Groomsmen are the men that will marry you and bury you.
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On a warm July evening in Rome, after a long day on foot, Kristen and I shared dinner and dessert in one of the quieter corners of the city. Outside of the Italian cafe, at a little two-person table, we rehashed once again all of our wonders, fears and hopes for the years ahead while strangers filtered through unnoticed. Three hours into our conversation, in between sips of my lukewarm cappuccino, I blithely expressed a simple yet powerful intention that would ultimately change the course of my life.
"I'm going to marry that boy."
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Nevertheless, I miss the days when people walked along the street talking to each other instead of texting people they are not even with at that moment. I also get annoyed when people text me 10 questions although we are about to meet up anyways.
The other day, one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend (she actually went to his house). Soon after she had gone home, he sent her four longer-than-long text messages saying how sorry he was, that he was caught off guard and did not know what to say when she was there and that he will most certainly fight for her and prioritize her in his life AND show his love on Facebook and Instagram. How cute.
Has technology turned us into cowards that want to save face by addressing problems via cell phones? Or is it just laziness? Why drive 150 miles to break up with somebody when texting is free?
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This is a season in your life where you happen to be on your own. You won’t always be. Or maybe you will. Nothing is certain. Ha. Anyway, sourcing your worth or happiness in another human being—by nature, prone-to-error—will leave you disappointed. That isn’t to say that loving and caring for someone isn’t a beautiful thing, but even once you find that person, I think it’s healthy to know just how okay you’d be without them. Choosing to commit to someone, but not necessarily needing them—there are few things more attractive than that. That’s also one way to maintain longevity.
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To the girl who is single on Valentine’s Day,
You are not alone. I know that feeling that hurts deep down in your stomach from seeing all of the cute dates people post about on social media. Or the rage of envy that consumes you when a friend tells you about the date her boyfriend took her on. Not to mention the feeling of being done with everything (go ahead and buy me a gallon of Blue Bell because I don’t care if I get fat anymore) when you see all of the engagements that are bound to pop up. But know this: you are not alone. There’s me, there’s thousands and thousands of girls feeling this same influx of feelings.
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Shonda Rhimes wrote a book called The Year of Yes and while she is my spirit animal, and I agree with the motivation behind the book, I want 2016 to be my year of no.
Why, you ask? Because I've always said yes. To everything that I don't want to say yes to, I've said yes. I have done so much damage to myself from saying yes to appease everyone in my life that it actually feels good to say no.
In early December I had a series of interviews for a job I didn't actually want; I just wanted a full time job. When it got to the point where they wanted me to talk to the HR department, I said no. The job wasn't a good fit for me, and I didn't want to put myself in a position where I'd have to move and not know anyone and be miserable at a job that wasn't right for me. I am not opposed to moving to the other side of the country - heck I'm not opposed to moving out of the country - but for a job that wasn't going to be a good fit for me? It wouldn't be worth it.
Saying no felt great.
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Since August I’ve been living in intentional community with five other individuals. Through the Jesuit Volunteer Corps we were all placed in various schools and agencies across Tucson, AZ. We are provided a communal budget each month for rent, utilities, food and personal stipends. We do almost everything together; eat dinner at the table nearly every night, ride our bikes to the grocery store, attend street fairs and play vicious games of UNO.
When applying to this program I thought I was this incredibly self-aware individual who might potentially be able to grow from this experience. I knew myself and was sure of what I wanted. I also knew I didn't need others to be happy. I could do that all by myself, thank you very much. Needing others was a sign of weakness. It made you vulnerable. But the more time I spend in this house, the more I’ve realized it is okay to be needy.
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1. After a hard day, there’s nothing better than lighting a fancy candle and taking a hot bath. Indulge in a little luxury.
2. Assume that everyone in your yoga class feels just as vulnerable as you do.
3. Keep going to yoga. (Or your chosen equivalent.)
4. If you want something badly, tell someone about it. Your best friend, your mom, the cashier at the grocery store. You’ll be ten times more likely to reach for that goal if someone else is quietly rooting for you. Bonus points if that someone calls you out on your excuses.
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You could say I’ve been carrying the word “dwell” around in my pocket for a little while now.
Once upon a time, I thought dwell was a peculiar word. Had I been asked to prescribe a physical form to it, I might have chosen a dark and sporous mold. I was under the impression that it meant to live as a hermit. And not the Boo Radley, kind and courageous type of hermit, but more of the long finger-nailed kind. While my apartment is a tad eccentric and also filled with sweets, please don't start referring to it as they did to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory (“nobody ever goes in ... and nobody ever comes out.”) So before you think that my 2016 resolution is to become a recluse, allow me to explain.
If given the proper chance, dwell is actually a marvelous word. At its core, it is a fairly neutral word, devoid of offensive meaning. And thus begins my two-part New Year’s Resolution.
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