for Lent this year i’ve decided to toughen up.
i’m giving up my delicacy to learn how to be strong,
like i was once sketched.
I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize my own face. It looked somber, angry, incapable of ever smiling again.
Since the time college had ended and my had life become a whirlwind of whatever luck would bring me, I had been a little depressed and angry at God. It seemed like every door I knocked on didn’t want to open, and I had been knocking for quite a while now with still no open doors for me.
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The absolute backbone of your Whole 30 experience (besides bacon) is going to be meal planning. You will not get by without carefully calculating each thing that will go into your body everyday, because you can (and will) go from zero to hangry very quickly, and Lord help us all if there is not a handful of almonds or kale chips nearby.
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There are things about myself I wish I could change. Not in a dramatic, self-hatred kind of way: largely, I’m pretty happy. But there are habits and tendencies that I wish I could just shake off. I wish I was more disciplined, stuck at things when they’re hard. I wish I trusted my voice more. I wish I was more compassionate, went out of my way more to love people. I wish I went outside more and watched Netflix less.
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I am always fighting this conundrum: If I am too busy, I get stressed out, and if I’m not busy enough… I get stressed out. What used to be a three-month issue during the summer now occurs on a weekly basis. I try to find ways to be more productive in my free time while constantly battling my desire to nap away my free hours. On the rare occasion when I stay awake, I have found a few ways to keep my mind occupied and my time productive.
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In case the hype of Whole 30 has somehow passed you and your Instagram feed by, allow me to introduce you. Whole 30 is agreeing to 30 dairy-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, alcohol-free, legumes-free and MSG-free days. It is agreeing to only consume whole foods for a month while your body heals and resets from the processed and sugar-ridden foods that it is typically fed. As I type I am currently stuffed with the queso I binged at lunch because I am three days post-Whole 30, and I am going to tell you some reasons why I am currently driving the bandwagon on this seemingly crazy endeavor.
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But March is only month 3 of 12, so I can’t let a lack of goal success over a two-month period dictate the rest of my year. I’d like to offer three things I’m learning about setting yourself up to meet your goals. (Plus I have a giveaway to announce!)
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I have created this guide for you all, full of adult-ish wines for adult-ish people. The blends and bubbles on this list range from $9-$15, and all come bottled—a step above a college box, but not going to break the post-grad bank. Think of it as falling somewhere above Andre, but not quite as high as Vueve Cliquot.
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I was two months into senior year, when I should have been living it up. Instead, I was panicking about what I was going to do with my life. I was wondering why I hadn’t been on a date in three years. I was worried that my depression and anxiety was going to be noticed by someone I didn’t tell myself. I needed something fast to push me forward, to say that the way I was feeling was okay, and that I could start over and be stronger for it. And maybe in a subconscious effort to regain that freshness I felt getting that jacket in high school (or just to have someone tell me my eyes looked nice) I bought the green bomber, zipped it snugly, and pushed through the mess for a few more months, feeling stronger than I had the day before.
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Letting go means that when the pain becomes so unbearable and obsessive that you don’t remember what life was like without it, you finally understand that you gave him more of you than you have of yourself. Letting go means realizing that you’ve been standing in the fire for so long without seeing that you were being consumed by the flames.
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I don’t know when we decided that places of education are just holding pens, or that anything you’ve done prior to reaching one or more of the milestones that caused the “well wishers” around you to feel that they were finally crossing over into adulthood, was just pretend. I imagine this mentality stems from our dismissal of the experiences of children and youth as lesser than those of battle-hardened adults who know better, and as the period of adolescence has extended over time, so have the opportunities for everyone older than someone else to throw back a cocktail of disdain and nostalgia and vomit it back up disguised as appropriate greeting card messages.
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Then a week passes, then two, and then I realize I haven't cracked open to Bible study book, and I've double-booked my calendar more than once, and I'm wiped from waking up early but not adjusting my bedtime. Almost without my noticing, all of the balls in my court have dropped and rolled far, far away.
Suddenly—or not so suddenly—I just want to shirk it all and sleep.
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Recently on an errand for work I was walking down Fifth Avenue. I was having a nice walk around 5 pm as the day crawls toward its eventual end when a man walked past me carrying a coffee table over his shoulder.
I say this casually, but yes it was a big wooden coffee table, like, for magazines, beverages, resting feet on, you know, a coffee table.
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My grandma was dying, and I knew that if I didn’t make it to her that Wednesday, I would regret it. That time I would spend with her I knew I would keep with me forever. I just didn’t know how to make it special.
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I'm currently working 10-hour days. Factor in travel and sleep time, and I have approximately five hours to myself during the week. All of which is spent getting ready for work, getting ready for bed… or watching Netflix (a girl has got to decompress, okay?). But the way I’ve been living leaves no room to focus on things in my own life.
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